Before I get flagged by the CDC, no, the COVID-19 vaccine has not to my knowledge been proven to have any effect positive or negative on mental health. But let me 'splain...
My last blog post was about how Amy Poehler reminded me to look to the positives in 2021. Admittedly, I did not take my own advice. The first few gray, rainy months of 2021, were just as gloomy inside my mind, body, and soul as they were outside.
It really hit me when my therapist asked me "what are you looking forward to?" and I drew a blank. There wasn't one single thing I could say I was excited about. Every event, every change, every potentially exciting thing could be cancelled at any moment. And some events that were starting to trickle on to my calendar scared me to death. With an immunocompromised family member at home, the lax standards and cavalier attitudes of people "sick of being at home" were giving me nightmares and actual stomach pains.
I'm ready for this all to be over as much as the next person, but I won't compromise my or my family's safety because you've already made a reservation at a rooftop bar for your birthday.
I'm sorry, that came out a little aggressive, but I was real in my feelings. I was angry, scared, sad; not having anything to look forward to isn't a fun feeling. When I couldn't come up with an answer, I was very concerned; it was a strange realization.
As a close friend began sending countdown texts for a big event they were hosting, the nightmares began again.
After wallowing and making myself crazy, I finally found some energy and began to actually do something about the situation. After signing up for ALL of the websites and text alerts I could find, calling three Walgreens a day to see if they had leftover vaccines, talking to multiple county officials to make sure I was eligible, I finally reached a live person and got an appointment for my first covid vaccine. Knowing that Pfizer and Moderna both had two doses separated by 20+ days, I was running out of time before the event to be fully vaccinated.
With zero days to spare, I got the first dose. You should of seen me. You would have thought I found true love, graduated, became a doctor, and was on a private beach resort. I was elated. I put on makeup and a dress. I forgot my headphones, didn't eat breakfast, had to stand in line for two and half hours next to a VERY chatty woman, and I was still ecstatic.
Immediately I felt a shift in my energy. I think I just felt safer. None of my actions changed. I still wear a mask everywhere, rarely leave the house, and wash my clothes and hands excessively, but I stood a little taller while doing those things.
I smiled more. I started looking forward to things in the future. I slept like a d*mn baby. It felt so good.
Now like I said before, I know the COVID-19 vaccine itself, was not the root cause of these feelings. Daylight savings time also happened to be that weekend, we had our first 75 degree day of springtime, I finished a huge project at work, I had a really good annual review, we had a three-day birthday celebration for a family member which included sweet tea and Blongo Ball in our backyard, and the fam went on a 3-hour long hike in the mountains. Plus I also found a sweet Y2K playlist with all of the hit songs from my teen years on repeat. Shout out to Spotify.
But I've kept a weekly log of how I have been feeling since January and you can see the shift. I still get anxiety and don't feel like working some days and want to just watch TV in my room, but even those days - the bad days - are different, they're better.
For the first time in a YEAR, I feel in my soul that things are getting better. Back to a more normal state. I can visualize going to an outdoor bar with my friends, traveling to my sisters new house, chasing and playing ball with my cousins dogs. It's a good feeling.
Thank you to the incredible human beings putting in endless hours for people around the world to be able to smile more, look forward to things again, and moving this country one step closer to normalcy.
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